Ten Conversations
These are conversations I recommend
every couple has before planning to partner for life.
Move through these conversations in any order you want. However, only tackle one at a time.
CONVERSATION#1: Love & Affection
Prior to your conversation:
Identify how love & affection were communicated in your family of origin.
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In the conversation:
Explain how people close to you demonstrated love & affection. Help you partner understand what you valued and didn't appreciate about your family's approach to showing love & affection.
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End the conversation:
Identifying how you hope to show and experience love & affection in your relationship.
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CONVERSATION#2: Conflict & Repair
Prior to your conversation:
Identify 2-3 stories where conflict was experienced in your family of origin. What triggered it & how did people go about repairing relationships afterward? See if you can find one story where the conflict ended well and one where the conflict was never repaired.
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In the conversation:
Tell your partner the stories. Identify what you valued about how your family did conflict & relationship repair afterward as well as things you hope would never be repeated.
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End the conversation:
Explaining how you hope the two of you would handle conflict & repair.​
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CONVERSATION#3: Feeling Heard
Prior to your conversation:
Think through times in life where you have felt heard, known/seen. What was it about that person or relationship that made it possible for you to feel this way?​
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In the conversation:
Explain concrete actions or words that make you feel heard, known/seen.
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End the conversation:
Identifying which of the actions your partner desires might be challenging to provide and if you're able to commit to trying.
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CONVERSATION#4: Finances/Money
Prior to your conversation:
Identify how you view spending, saving, debt, and generosity.
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In the conversation:
Walk through your views around those four financial topics with your partner, offering insights on how you got to your perspective. In light of how you view money, describe the lifestyle you're hoping to live.
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End the conversation:
Crafting 3-7 value statements that start with: "Financially, we would commit to ______"​
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CONVERSATION#5: Routines of Life
Prior to your conversation:
Think through the routines or rhythms of life that are important to you on a daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, and/or annual basis. Get very detailed. What do you need in a day? A year? Include traditions, rituals, and/or holidays that are important to you​
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In the conversation:
Walk through a day, week, month, year from your perspective. Explain what you value having part of your life and why ( the why is key). Get detailed and concrete. ​
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End the conversation:
Identifying routines/rhythms of life that might differ or conflict. Then identify how your desired routines could compliment and possibly overlap. Discuss what you notice.​​​
CONVERSATION#6: The Practical &
The Emotional Labor
Prior to your conversation:​
Identify how practical labor (e.g. laundry, garbage, lawn care, car maintenance, field trips, house projects, grocery shopping, food prep. etc.) and emotional labor (e.g. listening, consoling, offering stable presence, caring for others during illnesses, etc.) was tended to in your family of origin.
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In the conversation:
Explain what you appreciated about how these were tended to, what you would want to replicate, and what you would want to do differently with your partner.
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End the conversation:
Clearly articulating how you hope you and your partner would share in the practical and emotional labor of life together.
CONVERSATION#7: Sex & Intimacy
Prior to your conversation:
Think through your honest desires and expectations for physical intimacy and closeness.
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In the conversation:
Take turns expressing one desire or expectation for physical intimacy. Don't express another hope until the one 'on the table' has been discussed - are both of you open to this? Don't overlook that one person's desire might be another person's 'no thanks' - take time to talk about these now.​
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End the conversation:
Identifying the ways that you could honestly connect with your partner in this arena. Now is the time to make it known if something is mutually desired or not.​​
CONVERSATION#8: Family & Parenting
Prior to your conversation:​
Answer for yourself: Do you want children? Why or why not? If you do, go back to your family of origin and recall how your parents parented you and your siblings (if applicable). What did you value and what did you dislike?​
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In the conversation:
If you want children, discuss when and how many seem to be ideal. If you don't, take the time now to let your partner know. Then, share with one another what you valued and disliked when it came to how your parents, parented.
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End the conversation:
Identifying how your preferences around kids line up or don't and discuss if your differences are deal breakers for the relationship now.
CONVERSATION#9: Faith & Spirituality
Prior to your conversation:
Think through your understanding/perspective of faith and spirituality (this topic may or may not be discussed in the container of religion). Is this an important part of your life? Why or why not?​
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In the conversation:
Describe your past and current faith tradition. If you want to/do have spiritual practices that are important to you, describe those to your partner now. Explain the level of importance these topics are for you and how you hope to be supported by your partner in this area of life.
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End the conversation:
Identifying the ways that you and your partner are similar and different with regards to faith and spirituality. Clearly articulate the ways you are willing to support your partner in their faith and spiritual journey (especially if it is different than yours). ​​
CONVERSATION#10: Ultimate Aim
Prior to your conversation:​
What is your ultimate aim for life? This question is all about meaning and purpose. Try to find words to describe what your ultimate aim is about.​
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In the conversation:
Share with each other your ultimate aims and discuss if they are compatible. Notice if there is marked difference between your aims for life.​
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End the conversation:
Noting if your life trajectories are moving in a similar direction or not.
Each of these conversations
provide you with valuable insights into the person you are dating. I highly recommend that you use these conversations to help you decide if you want to continue your relationship. If you do want to continue to invest in your relationship, consider joining me in one of these upcoming classes...